Superman's Girlfriend Lois Lane #29 (Part 5 - Finale): THE IRRESISTABLE LOIS LANE

When last we read, Batman, Green Arrow and Aquaman brought their soiled hankies together so that Bats could fly the linens to the North Pole. This story is so wacky even the summary sounds like I'm on drugs! Be that as it may, that's what happened and you know darn well you can't resist reading the thrilling conclusion of THE IRRESISTABLE LOIS LANE!

Near the fortress of solitude, Batman finds a stricken Superman, who is surrounded by green kryptonite and dancing aliens. He ties the three handkerchiefs to a bat-a-rang and tosses it to Supes. (Obviously, Superman has the sniffles from being in the arctic, but couldn't Batman find a fresh hankie or some Kleenex?)

"Gasp! Those lipstick stains! I-I must smear my face with them!" thinks Superman (I believe this is approximately when security was called on my roomies and I.), probably wishing they'd been Glamorous Garnet instead of Crimson Sunset because the latter clashed with his 'S'. Smear he does and instantly he shakes off the effects of the green K. He gets rid of the aliens and offers to fly Batman's plane back to Metropolis (I guess Batman was probably low on fuel after that long flight). And finally, we get the first hint of what was going on when Batman says, "Swell! As you see, Plan 'L' worked perfectly, thanks to Lois Lane! She was really ingenious!"

Plan L. Ah, but of course! Why didn't I see it? As Silver Age Superman aficionados know, the 'Plan' series were some of the craziest, silliest, most entertaining stories ever. The letters column of Lois Lane #31 (February 1962) said there would be similar stories about Plan J, with Jimmy Olsen, Plan P, with Perry White, Plan V, with Superman's Kandorian cousin Van-Zee, and Plan PR, with Pete Ross. Both Plan J (written by Jerry Siegel) and Plan P (written by Robert Bernstein) eventually appeared (plan P is in Action 295, and I can't remember which issue had Plan J), but Plan V and Plan PR were never written. Personally, I think it's nearly impossible to top Plan L.

And now, the convoluted explanation of everything that just happened. Ready? Here we go:

As all the players gather, Superman begins. "When I found myself in the Green Kryptonite death trap near my Fortress of Solitude, which... luckily, the aliens didn't spot... I used super-ventriloquism to Krypto to put plan 'L' into execution! That's why Krypto wrote the 'L' in the sky -- to alert Lois that I needed her help!"

Superman then mentioned Plan J and Plan P, but Lois points that "...Plan 'L' is to be carried out by me only when you're in dire peril from green kryptonite near the Fortress of Solitude." (Wow, that's really specific! Superman was really thinking when he came up with these Plan things).

Lois continues, "The idea was to rush to you some grains of red kryptonite I always carry in a lead capsule in my purse! Red kryptonite always has a different, unpredictable effect on you! But this particular type acts as an instant cure for green kryptonite! We know because it once saved Krypto from kryptonite poisoning! Therefore, these crystals could also be used to save you once... and once only... as an antidote for green kryptonite! However, I sensed trouble this morning when I received a mysterious vase of flowers!"

Apparently, there was a crystal eye on the bottom of the vase ("I see London, I see France. I see Lois with my plants."), and Lois instantly concluded that Superman's enemies were observing her. (That's what I always think when I see crystal eyes on household items. Good thing Lois didn't dismiss it as just another seeing-eye vase).

"I put two and two together!" continued Lois. "Whoever was monitoring me must also have Superman at his mercy! So I couldn't let the watchers see me give the red kryptonite to some Justice League of America heroes, who also knew what Plan 'L' was!" (Is there a reason Wonder Woman wasn't included in this Plan? A panel or two of Lois and Wondy making out would have probably sold twice as many copies.)

Lois is still talking. "Therefore I hit on a scheme to avoid their suspicions! I broke open the lead capsule inside my purse and used my lipstick to pick up the grains of red kryptonite... like dipping a celery stick in salt! ("Thank God I practiced dipping all those celery sticks or I'd never be able to manage this tricky maneuver.")

Having told Perry White I'd do a 'Heroes I've Kissed' article, I went about kissing as many heroes as I could, whispering my plan to each one as I hugged them..." (You know, that's a whole lot of talking she was doing while she was busy making out with all the superheroes. Quite the chatterbox. Aquaman seems upset about the whole thing, too. Maybe he wanted to be the only one who got kissed. He probably has a chip on his shoulder because swimming just isn't the superpower draw that, say, flying is.)

Because Batman knew the location of the Fortress of Solitude, he was assigned to fly the hankies to Superman.

Nothing convoluted about this plan. Nope. Granted, it explains everything that was a mystery in this story but it's not like one guess what it was about as it unfolded. Red kryptonite lipstick just in case Superman is ever trapped by aliens with green kryptonite near his Fortress of Solitude? Krypto skywriting a giant L? Plants with eyes? Kissing superheroes to pass the kryptonite (and it isn't like she carried the eye plant around with her so how did she know they were observing her when she was with the heroes?)?

Do you see why I adore this story? It's magnificently insane! It's weird, wacky and IRRESISTABLE! Just like Lois in her man-bait dress. Yeah, this is why I love comics.

But wait, there's one more panel – you won't need to guess what it is because you're staring at it, but tell me this wasn't predictable! Lois gets her reward from Superman -- a big, fat, kiss! Like she hadn't had enough of that already! ("Oops, forgot to take notes for the article. Okay, boys, line up and let's do it all again!")

And there it is. The infamous Plan L, put into action with flawless accuracy. Superman's Cheating Girlfriend Lois Lane, aka The Irresistible Lois Lane and her man-bait dress will have to come up with a new plan the next time Superman is in dire peril from green kryptonite near the Fortress of Solitude, I guess. Let's just hope it doesn't happen soon.

So, what did you think? Do you feel compelled to own your own copy? Did you read it or just look at the pictures? Let me know!

Superman's Girlfriend Lois Lane #29 (Part 4): THE IRRESISTABLE LOIS LANE

When last we read: Aquaman swam into town to rescue people using scary sea creatures and Lois didn't hesitate to put her lips all over that seaman (Oops, I do believe I might've doubled that entendre). But Green Arrow and Aquaman just aren't enough to satisfy the girl reporter because she's got her eye on a certain man who likes to drive around disguised as a flying mammal. Please join me for Part 4 of THE IRRESISTABLE LOIS LANE!

Lois begs a ride because Batman is in town and she wants more lovin'! "Really, Lois, you've got more crust than a pie!" Lana opines. (Although I like the sound of that hep talk, I'm not sure what crustiness has to do with kissing. Sounds a little... gross. Besides, aren't crusty people curmudgeons? Something to ponder).

Lois and Lana arrive at midtown in time to see Batman climbing a theatre marquee. (I wonder what major criminal event brought Batman from Gotham City to Metropolis? Hmm, can't wait to find out). While Batman thinks about moving "fast and quietly", Lois shouts out, "Look! There's Batman now! Climbing onto that movie marques!" (Rather than kiss Lois, I'm thinking Batman might slug her for shouting out his entire plan so that whomever he's chasing will hear. I mean, c'mon, Lois! He's a stealthy crimefighter! Don't narrate his moves! Then again, the crooks didn't notice the crowd, the TV van or Batman. They deserve to be caught.)

He spots some thugs trying to break into the theatre manager's office. Thinking fast, he unscrews some lightbulbs from the marques and tosses them onto the ground to simulate gunfire. The crooks give up instantly. ("We were just trying to buy some Raisonettes, Batman, we promise!"). Thank goodness there was no need to fight, or insert any superhero action into the scene. It might've distracted us from all the kissing. (Amazing that Batman solved the entire crime in 3 panels. He's a lot slower in Gotham City. Perhaps that's why he decided to come to Metropolis. Or is theatre crime tops on his list? "I'll go anywhere in the world if I hear crooks are trying to sneak into the movies!")

Lois is there to greet Bruce (we're tight) with a big hug. Lana is there to fume out a thought balloon. And Lana's camerman is there for the inevitable play-by-play. "He's kissing Lois Lane! He can't tear his lips away!" (Thanks, camerman. I never would've gotten that from the drawing of the two of them kissing, unable to tear their lips away).

Personally, I'm wondering if word got out that Lois was on a costume-loving kissing jag and that's why Metropolis is suddenly filled with superheroes.

"Later, outside Metropolis..." things start to heat up as Green Arrow and Aquaman join Batman on a cliff top. Always helpful, Batman makes sure to narrate the scene with his thought balloon. It's possible he's showing off his great detective skills, but personally, I wouldn't put that one on my resumé if I were him. (And in case you can't read Batman's thoughts or are obvious-impaired, Aquaman gets squirted up there by a whale spout and Green Arrow catapults himself out of his Arrow Car. Batman flew there in a plane. I'm thinking this is not your basic tourist cliff.) The three JLA members are obviously up to something. (See? I'm a detective, too!)

The plot thickens when Batman collects lipstick-smeared handkerchiefs from the other two, adding it to his own. Lipstick-smeared handkerchiefs from 3 heroes via Lois's lips -- what does it all mean? Whatever the answer, Bats hops in his Batplane and heads to the North Pole ("Tomorrow I'm taking old socks to the Himalayas!").

This scene has left me with so many questions! What are the hankies for? Why is Batman flying to the North Pole? Is Santa in on this? And for crying out loud, what was that opening scene with Krypto skywriting and secret admirers about? Looks like you're going to have to come back on Friday for the thrilling conclusion to THE IRRESISTABLE LOIS LANE!

Superman's Girlfriend Lois Lane #29 (Part 3): THE IRRESISTABLE LOIS LANE

When last we read, Lois had conquered her first superhero for her kissing story. Green Arrow was more than willing to forego his blow-up doll arrow and indulge in a little lip on lip action with the Metropolis's most famous female reporter. And now, with an Aquaman sighting getting Lois all revved up, let's return to THE IRRESISTABLE LOIS LANE:

"Gosh, Lana, I must cover that disaster! Aquaman will be there in person! Please give me a lift!" Despite the obvious hussy-ness of Lois's sudden interest in the story, Lana agrees to give her a ride.

Lana is worried about the passengers, but Lois has faith in the sea king. "He communicates with his sea creatures through fish telepathy!" she says. And there's Aquaman now -- standing on the back of a whale, directing a plethora of big fishies (And once again we can thank our lucky stars that fish think in English).



The rescue is Aquariffic! Octopi help people off the boat, while other passengers climb down ladders made of eels and swordfish (wouldn't eel ladders be rather slippery?).

So what happens once they're in the water? "...the dolphins, tarpins and sharks [are] waiting to transport you to the shore." (Sharks? SHARKS?? Oh gee, thanks, Aquaman! I'm so glad you're here, otherwise that octopus wouldn't have just handed me to a shark! You couldn't have sent a tuna or a dolphin?) But Arthur (again, first name basis) has ordered his toothy helpers not to dine on anyone, so all's well. However, the guy riding the shark looks a tad nervous.

Naturally, when all is well, Aquaman comes to shore and is accosted by Lois. "That cheap thing is at it again!" thinks Lana. "But she won't get anywhere with Aquaman! Heroes like him don't like to be rushed by girls!" (So... is she trying to say that Aquaman is gay? And if so, does she know about Batman and Robin or are those still rumors? Personally, I always thought Elongated Man had a certain "quality" -- and that Sue Dibney is a beard.)

Lana's cameraman is either a Canadian mind-reader, or he glanced at her thought balloon, because he says, "'Doesn’t like it", eh?' Listen to Aquaman! " Arty has turned off his fish telepathy, because he's begging for more like the randy he-man he is (so much for Lana's theory!), and he ain't kissing a flounder! The Irresistible Lois Lane is planting lipstick all over his big, blond head! (I believe his thought balloon would probably read, "The lips, Lois! Aim for the lips!")

Lana is jealous, Lois redoes her lipstick and Aquaman rides off on a whale -- just like so many dates end in high school.

Is Lois's kissing spree over? Is there anyone left? Perhaps we should check that cover once again – uh oh! Some guy dressed as a bat is last in line but looking very eager! This sounds like a job for THE IRRESISTABLE LOIS LANE! (Come back on Wednesday to see if Lois can get rabies from kissing a Batman)

Superman's Girlfriend Lois Lane #29 (Part 2): THE IRRESISTABLE LOIS LANE

When last we read, Lois received a mysterious bouquet of flowers from a secret admirer, Krypto skywrote a giant "L" using a flaming torch, and Lois pitched a story about kissing superheroes to Perry White. None of these gives her a moment's hesitation because her focus is honed in on one huge, gigantic, earth-shattering problem: What should she wear? And now, let's return to the story.

Lois goes home and by a stroke of luck, found some man-bait in her closet. [Man-bait, n., 1. Something used in luring, especially to hook or trap an adult male. 2. A dress that hugs the curves. 3. A dress so drenched in perfume, it can raise Superman's temperature. Etymology: "Man" Middle English, from Old English man, mon human being, male human; akin to Old High German man human being, Sanskrit manu. "Bait" Middle English, from Old Norse beit pasturage & beita food; akin to Old English bItan to bite]

She puts on her orange man-bait dress, and checks her look in the mirror. "My hair looks attractive, my make-up is right for a change, and my lips look inviting! All I need now is the man... or rather the men!" (Slut) If there are minors reading this, please avert your eyes from the man-bait dress for it may be too much for you to handle.

Lois obviously knows how to turn on the pheromones in that man-bait dress of hers because every man on the street is head-swiveling, whistling, and coming on to her. Lois has a superpower! With the simple donning of a dress, she becomes irresistible to the opposite sex! (How long do you think Lois walked around in that dress to make sure it was as man-baity as the saleslady had promised?) Surely she'll have no problems getting the green guy's arrows to quiver.

Green Arrow is putting on an archery exhibition at Metropolis stadium. (I swear, that's all that's on TV nowadays -- archery, archery, archery! ESPN, find another sport!) He asks the crowd of thousands for a volunteer to help him and low and behold, Miss Thang is right there giving a shout-out. Naturally, he chooses her. (After all, he is male, and she is "The Irresistible Lois Lane!")

Ollie (GA and I are on a first name basis) asks her to toss four aces into the air. (The perfect trick in a gigantic stadium before the days of the Jumbotron. I'm certain everyone in the upper deck can see those playing cards. Yup, a sure crowd-pleaser.) For some unknown reason, Lois sings her assent.

She tosses the cards up, Ollie twwanngs his bow and with 4 perfect 'PWWTs', his arrow spears all four aces right through the center. But oh! Lois's necklace has broken from the excitement of this trick! (I'm not sure how her necklace exploded because the arrow was nowhere near it. For now, let's just assume it was booby-trapped.) Her perfectly matched pearls will be lost! No problem, GA has a Vacuum Arrow!

GA's VA hovers over Lois using a helicopter rotor device and vacuums up her pearls. You heard me. I'm sure it's one of his favorite arrows -- after all, that's a lot of mechanics and balancing and stuff to get a helicopter rotor and a powerful vacuum on an arrow, so with all that work, it has to be extremely useful to Ollie. Constantly. Bet he uses it to clean up the Arrow Car, and do the carpets at home, and it's probably vacuumed up any number of crime scenes. Crooks would run screaming if they saw that helicopter vacuum arrow a'coming at'em. Wouldn’t you?

Well, Lois sure is impressed! "You wonderful man! I could hug the daylights out of you!" she says. But hugging isn't good enough for The Irresistible Lois Lane. Oh no! She godda kiss da boy!

But what's this? Someone in the crowd appears shocked at the liplock on the field. "Good Grief! She's kissing him!" (I'm guessing it's Charlie Brown.) Lana Lang is covering the event and is appalled at this sudden amorous turn of events. Lana's cameraman says, "Holy cats! Now he's kissing her! He must like it!" (Ya think? Why would a guy want to kiss a beautiful woman wearing a man-bait dress with sudden superpowers that make her irresistible? It makes less sense than Krypto's skywriting!) Lana is incensed. "Something's crazy here! Heroes like Green Arrow don't act like that in public! (Shocking! Shocking I tell you! This news is worth more than the front page! I'm thinking "Extree, extree, read all about it!" special editions and stuff!)

"A minute later..." (oookay, they just kissed in front of an entire stadium full of people for a full minute. 60 seconds. During the code years of Hollywood, screen kisses were only allowed to last for 3 seconds, tops. Any longer and the censor came down with his giant scissors. Yet this was 60 full seconds of kissing. Scandalous!!! Lois really is a slut! I also suspect Arrow will have to restring his bow after that display.)

"A minute later..." Green Arrow says, "Gosh, Miss Lane! That was terrific! May I kiss you again?" (Holy Face Sucking, Batman -- he wants more? Well, if that isn't the limit!) Lana says, "Well, if that isn't the limit!" (I hear ya, Lana!)

Lana asks if Lois's scheme is to make Superman jealous, but Lois isn't falling for it. "Oh, were you watching, Lana?" she says nonchalantly while re-applying her lipstick. Green Arrow discretely wipes off the lip imprints covering his face (he'll probably run home and create a lipstick-removing arrow in case this situation arises again in the future). After calling the display "disgusting", Lana is distracted by the speakers on her news van. Apparently an excursion boat in Metropolis harbor has caught fire! Lois doesn't appear to care until the announcer mentions that Aquaman is there.

Oh ho! The plot thickens! There's another hero in town and he has yet to be kissed by Lois! Does man-bait work on a guy more used to bait-bait? Should she wiggle like a worm or will Aquaguy let her swim right into his heart? The only way to find out (other than reading it yourself, and really, who would actually read a comic? It could ruin the condition!) is to come back on Monday for Part 3 of THE IRRESISTABLE LOIS LANE!

Superman's Girlfriend Lois Lane #29 (Part 1): THE IRRESISTABLE LOIS LANE

Despite the fact that I sold off the bulk of my books, there's one Silver Age book I just couldn't part with. On the surface, it might seem a puzzling choice: Superman's Girlfriend Lois Lane #29. Not Action 29, which is the first cover appearance of Lois Lane. Way out of my league. Nope, just her regular silver age series, LL29. Why that book? Well, for starters, I looked for it a long time. It was always priced higher than I was willing to pay (my budget was $5 or less -- I'm a big spender), yet I wanted a copy desperately. Finally, while browsing books at the San Diego Comic Con, there it was – and for only $2.00!

I couldn't wait to read this baby, but had to hold off because there were more books to buy, more discussions of the appeal of Go-Go checks to have, and more really bad convention food to choke down. I carted my books back to the room I was sharing with 3 other women, and then went out for dinner and con-related hijinks. After a night of partying, my roommates wanted to go to the bar. I don’t drink, and was tired, so I bowed out. But instead of falling asleep, I knew I had to read that LL29. It was calling to me. The ladies returned as I was about to start, so I decided to read it out loud. We were nearly ejected from our room due to too much laughter, but I'm getting ahead of myself.

Get comfy cuz I promise this is a good one. Zany, goofy, bizarre silver age fun at its finest. THIS is why I adore comics! You can keep the realistic storylines. I like'em silly.

The cover story is placed third in the book, and I didn't even glance at the other two stories on my first reading. I knew where the heart of 29 was. I wanted to read "The Irresistible Lois Lane!"

Oh man, right there on the splash panel Lois is kissing Batman in front of a gulping Lana Lang. Lana's thought bubble shows Lois kissing Green Arrow and Aquaman (Lana is very visual. She thinks in pictures). And if you look closely, there's even a guy filming all this kissing -- though his shot might be blocked by Lana's thoughts (I'll fill in his thought bubble for you: "Dangit, Lana, all I can see is the back of your thoughts! You naughty wench.").

How did all this kissing happen? And where is Superman? Lois never dreams about kissing other superheroes, just the Big S. Oooh, this is so intriguing, I simply must read on.

It begins at the Daily Planet, with Lois getting a bouquet of flowers from a secret admirer. For some reason, she is quite upset by this. She says things like "er", stutters, and speaks in ellipses. Always a sign that something is not quite right. Yet they look like ordinary flowers (Although I think someone buried an upside-down elf in those flowers. All you can see are his little pointy shoes). Er... hmmm... w-what's wrong, I'm wondering.

Suddenly, an office worker calls out to Lois. A crowd is gathering at the window and the woman explains that "Krypto, Superman's dog, is writing something in the sky with a smoke flare!" Obviously, this has great meaning for Lois because she's instantly on the case.

Time out for a minute, as we contemplate this. First, a little lesson in skywriting. Skywriting is done between 8,800 and 10,000 feet. Making sure that all the letters are at the same altitude, the pilot pumps the "smoke" (clear, liquid paraffin wax) into his plane's exhaust system. Smoke pours out the exhaust pipes in the front and rear of the plane. The letters are usually a quarter-mile tall, and the lines of smoke are 75 feet wide.

Let's pretend our skywriting pilot is drawing an "L". First, he has to draw his letters backward, so that people on the ground can read them. He would begin by drawing the upright of the L, counting aloud to around 16. That's how he knows when to turn off the smoke. The line he's made expands while he banks, turns, and circles around to lay down the lower leg of the L.

So how does Krypto manage this with a burning torch? There's no on/off switch on a torch, so Krypto would have to hover around 10,000 feet above Metropolis, light his torch (this is a talented dog!) then fly his 75 feet to make the upright of the 'L'. Since Krypto is a dog and not an airplane, we'll assume he can turn on a dime and get a perfectly perpendicular lower leg of the L without having to extinguish his torch. (Either Krypto has gotten huge, or that 'L' isn't a quarter mile tall and 75' wide.)

But wait -- now he's done! He can't just keep flying with a lit torch! Quickly, he has to blow it out -- which is tougher than it sounds since he's holding it in his mouth. Maybe he wags his tail real fast and that works.

Fantastic! Krypto has done his job. And everyone on the ground says, "Look! It's a boomerang!" "No, no, it's a right angle." "I think it's a V." Right? Nope, they all know instantly that it's a single, giant 'L' in the sky.

"Can you understand it, Lois? Why did Krypto write just one letter 'L' -- then fly away?" Cagey Lois notes that it's strange, but doesn't elaborate on any L-theories. (Personally, I'm too busy wondering how they knew it was Krypto up there at 10,000 feet to worry about the big L, so I also remain silent and keep reading.)

Perry White calls Lois over and notes that Superman has been away, Clark Kent is on vacation (what are the odds?), and it's been really slow news because of it. He wants something good from Lois.

Our intrepid girl reporter immediately comes up with a socko plan. "Well, I've been flirting with an idea for a feature! 'Heroes I've Kissed' -- By Lois Lane! You know... the different heroes I've kissed, not counting Superman." (Uh huh. That'll end that news slump. The world loves a good kissing story on page 1. And despite the hardship of having to go out and kiss a bunch of heroes, Lois is bucking up with a smile. You slut, Lois!)

So how does one go about getting a scoop of this magnitude? And what on earth was that Krypto skywriting thing? And is she just going to ignore that worrisome secret admirer? And for crying out loud -- WHAT IS SHE GOING TO WEAR??

These and many more questions will have to be answered in Part 2 of THE IRRESISTABLE LOIS LANE!

Superman's Girlfriend Lois Lane #106 (Part 7, Finale): I AM CURIOUS BLACK

When last we read: Lois donated her handy-dandy color-blind O- blood to a wounded Dave. She sat tensely waiting, praying he would open his eyes. Will he? It's time to find out in the thrilling conclusion to I AM CURIOUS BLACK!

Miraculously, Dave opens his eyes. Who knew that a pint of blood was a cure for a gunshot wound to the chest? It's not like anyone operated on him. (Dave looks like he's never seen her before in his life. Either that or he sucked on a lemon.)

Now that Dave is okay, it's time for Lois to confront Superman, so that we can tie all this into the splash page. She asks him if he'd marry her even if she remained black.

Superman is so upset that one of the parts of his S emblem is not inked. Now that's upset! He reminds her that he is an alien -- the universal outsider -- and that his skin is tougher than steel (funny, him mentioning his skin. Almost sounds like a set-up for a retort. Nah, Lois wouldn't take that bait). Lois says, "But... your skin is the right color!" (So is yours, Lois, or have you forgotten that you've only been black for a few hours?) (I kept waiting for him to say, "It's pure coincidence that Krypton was populated only by white people that wear headbands! Don't you see the irony, Lois? I could be wearing a headband right now -- Would you marry a man in a headband? Well, would you???")

So Supes goes into his 'my enemies, blah blah, deadly danger, blah, blah..." until Lois accuses him of being a broken record (This was back in the days when they had records instead of CDs, so that the saying makes sense, unlike nowadays!).

But before she becomes a broken record about being black, she suddenly begins to change. She's black. She's Hispanic. She's whitey, once again. Apparently, it didn't last the usual 24 hours this time. (She says she feels like she's shedding her skin. So the color was like a lizard's scales or something? That's just weird.)

The nurse comes in to tell her ol' Dave has been asking for her, but gosh golly, the nurse sure gets a shock. Some white girl stole that sister's clothes! Nah, she somehow immediately grasps that Lois, whom she had only known as black, had suddenly turned into a white woman. I guess we have to chalk this one up to living in a world where people can fly and burn things with their eyes. It's tough to surprise the ordinary Joe and Jane for long.

Lois is torn. Does she really want to see him now? Now that she's white? "He called me whitey! His enemy! What will he say now?" Superman says, "You must see him, Lois, or you'll never find out! If he still hates you... with your blood in his veins... there may never be peace in this world!" (No pressure or anything. The fate of the world rests on this moment, but don't be nervous.)

The last page has no captions or dialogue. Here it is:



There is hope after all! Peace can prevail! Dave was also able to figure out that Lois is the black woman who gave him blood and now she's a white woman and hey, isn't that the same woman who passed by on the street, but what does it matter since we're all brothers and sisters under our skin. Or something like that.

And that, my friends, is the inimitable, incredible, completely relevant, now, today truth!

Superman's Girlfriend Lois Lane #106 (Part 6): I AM CURIOUS BLACK

When last we read: Dave had just been shot in his purple shirt by two racially harmonious bad guys. Lois is still black and now her cool new friend may be dying and the thugs are still armed and dangerous. Let's get back to the good stuff in part 6 of I AM CURIOUS BLACK!

Out of the sky come two beams of red-hot heat vision, melting the guns "to taffy" (Taffy? How gangsterlike). In the background, we see Lois carrying Dave's injured body. Lois, you Amazon! You've been working out! Not even a fireman's carry, she's holding him like Rhett held Scarlett when he raced up the stairs for some hot southern comfort. (I can only imagine what Lois is saying. "You want to see man's work? I could bench press you, ya pansy!")

Superman makes short work of the 'hoods', and then flies Lois and Dave to a nearby hospital. Lois is very worried about her new friend. The doctor tells the nurse to get Dave's blood type fast because he's fading. (So... anything think blood type is going to be a key to this story?) Things are very tense. Lois is very worried (and I think her babushka is tilting).

"Tense minutes tick by like spurting heartbeats..." (ewww) He's O negative! But oh no! The hospital doesn't "have enough funds for all [blood] types".

Now just hang on a golldurned second here. O- is the universal donor. If you don't have O-, you might as well not have anything. So if you're buying blood, you make sure you get that one first. Not A+, not B-, not even O+ -- you need O-. So why in the Wide, Wide World of Sports would this hospital decide not to order O-? It isn't like they're out of it. He distinctly says they can't afford all the blood types; i.e. they choose to buy some and skip others. So hey, I've got an idea, let's not buy ANY of the universal donor!

Sure, I realize that it's a set-up for the next panel (raise your hands if you've figured out that Lois is O- and rolling up her sleeve?) but COME ON PEOPLE!!! This is lazy writing! Find some logical way to make the donation necessary, not this golldurned, idiotic, "we need to prove we're poor again so we'll let common sense fly out the window" and "we need an excuse for Lois to donate" shinola!!!!! For crying out loud, it isn't like Lois's blood type is part of canon (or that DC cared about canon in those days). Make her a different blood type! Make her A- or B+ or even the rarest, AB-. I can see why a hospital wouldn't stock AB- because of its rarity and that would prove the "we're poor" point, but the universal donor? Give me a break.

Okay, I've calmed down now. And by pure coincidence, a week ago I was lying on a Red Cross table filling up a bag with my own O- blood. Yes, I'm the universal donor, and the Red Cross adores me. Every 54 days, I drop some reddies on the Crossers. If you ever need blood, I'm your gal.

Back to the story. Superman wishes he could volunteer to give blood, but needles break on his arm. (Lois looks bored. Most likely she recognizes the stupidity of a hospital that doesn't stock O-.)

Suddenly, out of the blue in a completely unexpected story twist, Lois announces, "I- I'm O Negative! Just like him!" Shocking! Pardon me while I retrieve my jaw. (Okay, I'm still upset about the lazy writing. It's one of my biggest pet peeves. I hate contrived events in storytelling).

And then we get some dramatic blood donation panels. (Blood donation as a thrilling climax! You don't see that every day.) It almost looks like Lois is being told by ground control how to land a pilot-less plane. "Open and close your fist slowly... slowly... till I tell you to stop!" (Doctor, her fist! It's opening and closing too fast! We're all going to die!) As the tense blood donation continues, Lois worries about Dave's survival.

I'm going to leave Lois donating all weekend just to tease the heck out of all of you. Bwa ha ha ha! You have NO idea if Dave will live or die. There's no way to possibly know – what's that? It's a 70s comic about bigotry and not one of the Lois is in love so we better kill him off comics? Oh. Well just pretend you don't have a clue so you'll come back Monday for the thrilling conclusion of I AM CURIOUS BLACK!

Superman's Girlfriend Lois Lane #106 (Part 5): I AM CURIOUS BLACK

When last we read: White Lois goes to Little Africa and is shunned, so she becomes Black Lois. BL meets SL (slum lady) and learns about tenements and poverty. Lois, still black, continues her exploration of Little Africa. Let's now return to I AM CURIOUS BLACK!

There appears to be a problem with schooling, as kindergarten is held in an empty lot with the kids sitting on crates, listening to a man tell them that black is beautiful. He says it several times. He makes them repeat it. He looks a tad... demonic as he says it. The kids don't appear to be afraid of him, but that wild look in his eyes chills me a bit (Black may be beautiful, but demonic possession never is). Am I discovering a heretofore unknown prejudice or am I remembering being in school with wacko Miss Herzog and her Hitleresque learning techniques? (a shiver goes down Joanna's spine). Definitely the Herzog effect.

(Social commentary: I've often heard the argument that if white people shouted the slogan "White is Beautiful" it would be deemed racist and bigoted, yet the whole "Black is Beautiful" thing was cheered in the late 60's/early 70's. This is a specious argument because society always allows the downtrodden to say what the ruling elite cannot when it comes to a struggle for equality. That's why there can be a women's lib, yet a 'man's lib' is laughable -- liberated from what: higher pay, higher social position, being the ruling class? "Black is beautiful" worked only because history had deemed them "unbeautiful" for centuries. To climb the ladder to equality, the non-ruling class has to fuel itself and the ruling class is not allowed to steal that fuel. The two panels that have the "Black is beautiful" kindergarten class is, therefore, a wonderful representation of the system at work. Tell small children who fear their futures that they are beautiful. That they can have pride and hope. That they can achieve. Tell them often enough and they will grow up believing it. That belief, more than anything else, will fuel the social change. Despite the crazy look in the teacher's eyes, I really like these two panels for what they represent in the mirror of 30+ years ago. I think they are far more powerful than the falling plaster, or the whitey is bad stuff.)

A hand touches Lois on the shoulder and she turns to see Angry Black Man from the day before. Only now he's Handsome Black Man (or because he actually has a name: Dave Stevens). He feels that he recognizes Lois and tries to pin down from where he knows her. Lois is speechless (we must assume she remembers him and his purple shirt and therefore knows that he saw her earlier as a white woman). He looks nice. I no longer hate him.

Before they can explore this further, Dave sees some teenagers heading for an alley. Not only are they skipping school, Dave knows they're up to no good. He immediately turns into a crusading hero, ready to take on the baddies who threaten the youth. He also turns into a male chauvinist pig (I'm using me some 70's lingo, baby!) by telling Lois to stay out of it because "...this is a man's business!" (He could have said, "Stay here, there might be trouble" or warned of danger or something like that, but instead he had to get all Archie Bunker on her and proclaim it a man thing). Let's see, he's racist and sexist. Oh yeah, real swoon material. He doesn't look nice anymore. I'm starting to hate him again.

Lois -- who has never run from danger in her life -- follows him. She's a reporter. Danger is her life (and no man is going to tell that feminist where she can and cannot go!).

As they run toward the end of the alley we see the teenagers talking to two guys (Isn't that nice? Black and white, working together in harmony) dressed as mobsters/crooks. (Hello, teenagers? I'd like you to meet Bad Influences. Bad Influences? Teenagers.) The teens have been stealing so that they can buy drugs. Dave is very upset about this, as he should be. Unfortunately, the crooks are also upset at Dave, thinking he's probably "the fuzz". They shoot. Lois escapes injury, but Dave is hit (ruining his favorite purple shirt)!

Oh no! Dave is going to die! Lois is black! The hoods are more racially harmonious than the good guys! What a world! What a world! Could I really leave you hanging like this? Sure can. Come back Friday for part 6 of I AM CURIOUS BLACK!

Superman's Girlfriend Lois Lane #106 (Part 4): I AM CURIOUS BLACK

When last we read: Lois turned herself into a foxy black woman so she could experience the slums for herself and win a Pulitzer. Immediately, she begins to feel the chilling effect of prejudice. Benny the Beret won't pick her up in his cab. People in the subway stare at her (well, they would've if the artist had drawn it that way). It's very disconcerting for Lois but she soldiers on, determined to get her story. And now here's Part 4 of I AM CURIOUS BLACK!

What will Lois do now that she's a black woman in the 'hood? What she did the first time -- she wanders into a tenement to find someone to interview. But oh no! She sees smoke behind the stairs. Quickly, she beats the flames down on a pile of trash stashed under the stairs.

A woman comes out and, seeing the heroic black Lois beating down the flames, decides to chat. I'm pretty sure it's the same woman white-Lois tried to talk to when she got a door slam as an answer. Looks like the same dress. (Lois can change her entire race, but this woman can't even change her clothes. An indication of poverty or a shortcut to clueing us in that she's the same person? Okay, they're not that deep – it's the shortcut thing.)

She tells Lois that the place is a firetrap and people leave trash there because the "slumlord" doesn't want to pay for a janitor. (Apartments have janitors? My apt. doesn't have a janitor. I have to haul my own trash outside, down some stairs, across a patio, down more stairs, through a hall, and into the garage where the bin is. My slumlord sucks! She also refuses to heat the swimming pool! Dirty, rotten slumlord.)

Slum Lady invites Lois into her apartment and offers her a cup of coffee. She makes a joke about hoping Lois isn't a bill collector (the fact that she lives in a tenement and has a slumlord wasn't proof enough. We needed more clues that it just might be possible that she's low on funds).

Okay, so Slum Lady has obviously told us everything we need to hear. Trash in the hallway, slumlord, bill collectors, no money, we got it. Who's next?

No one. We're still at Slum Lady's (I'm tired of typing Slum Lady. From now on she's SL) apartment. A piece of plaster from the ceiling falls into Lois's coffee. ("I said cream, no sugar, no plaster."). SL tells Lois that around there you get used to falling plaster. And the place hasn't been painted in eons. "But I don't have to tell you that!" Yes, apparently she did. By Lois's shocked expression, she had no idea that some people were poor.

Surely that's enough, right? Nah ah! SL hears her baby calling. She grabs a broom and chases a rat away from the crib.

As she comforts the child, she says to Lois, "I haven't asked who you are, or what you're here for. Can I help you, sister?" Lois, tears brimming, thinks, "She lives in misery, yet she asks if she can help me!"

Let's sum it up again folks. SL has trash in the hallway, a slumlord, bill collectors, no money, falling plaster, old paint, and rats. The evidence is really mounting toward the conclusion that SL is poor. But she's nice to black women (she slams the door in the faces of white women, but gives a sister a cup of coffee and an offer of help). Has Lois finally learned what she needed to?

Yes and no. She leaves SL, but she still has plenty of experiences ahead of her. Being black isn't defined by being poor. Lois needs to keep exploring Little Africa.

Superman's Girlfriend Lois Lane #106 (Part 3): I AM CURIOUS BLACK

When last we read, Lois had finally gotten her fill of being humiliated in the ghetto. Her whiteness was an unbreachable wall to getting the truth, the now, the today. She decides there's only way to get her scoop and enlists Superman's help in achieving this goal. What is it? Read on, my friends...

Superman flies Lois to the Fortress of Solitude (chastising himself for going along with her hair-brained scheme) so that Lois can use...

The Plastimold*!

(*The Plastimold was invented by Dahr-Nel, a Kryptonian doctor. I had the Dahr-Nel Plastimold issue when I was a kid, and I always thought it was cool because my favorite babysitter's name was Suzie Darnell. I figured maybe she was a relative, and therefore of Kryptonian birth. Okay, I didn't think that -- I wasn't an idiot. But I still thought it was cool.)

For the uninformed, The Plastimold machine can remake you like one giant plastic surgery machine. Only not like real plastic surgery, more like movie plastic surgery where bad guys get their faces so completely changed they have to be played by a new actor. Or like the master villains who change their faces to look exactly like someone else and they take over that guy's life. Only The Plastimold does this to your whole body. It can change everything -- height, weight, hair color, race...

Lois steps in and waits for Superman to hit the transformoflux pack. You heard me. I'm not typing that word again, so just go back and read it. With a mightly Whummmm and Hummmmm, Lois is changed before our very eyes from a white woman to a sistah! (She's got her fro and is ready to go!)

Hooboy, I suspect there's relevance ahead!!!

Just in case we were worried, Superman reminds Lois that she'll only be black for a day. (Is that enough time to feel the entire life experiences of a persecuted member of the population? Is it enough time to win a Pulitzer? Does she have anything to wear? One of these questions haunts her.)

Lois asks Superman to take her home quickly so that she can find something to wear. I guess her current outfit is too whitey.

In the next panel, we see black Lois dressed as Foxy Cleopatra with a giant babushka on her head. Did she always have these clothes in her closet? Or did she run out to "Whites Disguised as Blacks Boutique" and do some shopping?

Whatever the answer, we see her trying to hail a cab in the pouring rain. She's in luck! Benny the Beret (you didn't think he was going to get all that play in the beginning without returning for a crucial "point driven home" scene, did you?) is there in his cab. (I think I can hear her yelling, "Taxi! Hurry! My head is tipping me over because I forgot to take the towel off after I washed my hair!")

But holy Archie Bunker, Batman! Benny drives right by her as if she doesn't exist! And then, to make sure Lois understands that it wasn't because his cab was full or he was on a break, he stops a few feet away from her to pick up a white guy. (I never liked that Benny with his suspicious beret and his broken promises.)

Lois realizes that she just got her first lesson in being black. From this we can predict that there are going to be a lot more lessons to come.

The next panel is surprisingly subtle. Lois is on the subway and thinks everyone is staring at her because she's black. Only no one is staring! They don't care -- they don't realize that she used to be white, or care that she's black. They're reading their papers, or reading someone else's paper. (Check it out for yourself: There are 7 people on the subway besides Lois. The 3 on the bench aren't looking at her. The guy in the green shirt isn't looking at her. The gay guy in the blue shirt isn't looking at her. The guy in the hat isn't looking at her. Only the guy in the orange jacket is looking at her, and he might just think she's Erykah Badu.) Lois is officially in Paranoiaville.

I thought this was a nice touch. It displays the same paranoia she had when she bought coffee (thinking they were staring at her with hatred when they really didn't look like they cared very much). Lois isn't comfortable whether she's white or black. She's projecting onto everyone. She needs to get this under control if she wants to write a balanced article.

The next panel shows that Lois is still thinking about her experience in the subway. What's bizarre about this is that her thoughts are basically a realization of how difficult life is to be black due to the suspicions of whites. All well and good until you remember that she wasn't being stared at on the subway. I'm afraid, "How dare 1 out of 7 people stare at me!" sounds a little less righteous than planned.

So what is the writer trying to say? Is he trying to show that Lois is paranoid or not? Were the people on the subway supposed to be staring at Lois but no one told the artist? Is the silent speech about the black experience supposed to be taken at face value? I am so confused! "Mommy... what does this mean? Why is Lois saying that everyone is staring at her when no one is? And why is she asking if that's how blacks are treated, when she was treated just fine? Shouldn't blacks be treated as nicely as she was? Help me, Mommy!" "Joanna, it's past your bedtime. We'll talk about this after I've thrown away this comic. Er... I mean I've put it away, honey. Go to sleep."

Comics can be so deep.

Perhaps we'll get more clues about what the writer and artist are trying to say when we read our next installment. Come back on Monday when Lois returns to the ghetto as a sistah instead of an outsider in part 4 of I AM CURIOUS BLACK!

Superman's Girlfriend Lois Lane #106 (Part 2): I AM CURIOUS BLACK

When last we read, Whitey Lois was in the 'hood trying to write an article that will win her a Pulitzer. Although cabs are eager to pick her up, the people in the ghetto don't have the same enthusiasm. Shunned by children, Lois carries on in I AM CURIOUS BLACK!

Rebuffed but undaunted, our favorite journalist continues on her quest. She's Lois Lane, intrepid girl reporter, and nothing is going to keep her from her Pulitzer. So she knocks on a tenement door. (Really, Lois? You're just going to knock on some stranger's door and get the scoop on being black? Ooookay, let's try that). The woman who answers the door slams it in Lois's face.

"Ohh...!" More shock. Dang those Pulitzers are hard to earn. (Perhaps Lois shouldn't have worn her "I've found Jehovah!" button today.)

Her day doesn't improve. She goes to a coffee shop and two men look toward her. "How can I break through this wall of suspicion? " (Personally, I think they're staring because she's sitting there staring at them, and she's not drinking her coffee. It's gonna get cold, y'know! That's pretty suspicious. Bet she ordered it black, too!)

She passes three guys playing dice in an alley and thinks, "No one will speak to me!" (She's just standing there staring at them, clutching her purse tightly, and looking superior. Why would they break their game to talk to her? What if they've already heard on the street that she orders coffee but won't drink it because it's black? Huh? Did you ever think of that, Lois!!!)

Not having any luck with kids or adults, Lois goes after a baby. She chucks it under the chin only to have the wee one wheeled away by her mother, as if Lois were the plague. Lois thinks, "That mother wheeled her baby away from me as if... as if I were the plague!' (Sure, Lois -- reference the black death. Betcha whitey gave it that name.)

"Wandering like homeless ghost..." (ghosts being traditionally depicted as white apparitions, of course. Doncha get it, Lois? You're going to have to turn black! Not yet? Okay, let's continue this rejection for another page or so). Lois sits on a park bench next to an elderly woman. The woman politely mentions the weather and Lois feels vindicated. Finally, someone is talking to her! (What Lois doesn't know is that the old lady also wants a Pulitzer. She's really a 20 yr-old who transformed herself into an elderly woman to research ageism.)

But as soon as she tells the woman that she's a reporter, the woman leaves. "The freeze is still on! The only reason that nice old lady spoke to me is because she's blind! When she heard me speak, she knew I was white!"

(That should be enough. The reader would have to be blind and not reading this story not to have gotten the point by now, right? Right? Well... maybe we need it spelled out a little clearer.)

A young, handsome black man is speaking to a crowd and, while pointing to Lois, says, "Look at her brothers and sisters! She's young and sweet and pretty. But she never forgets she's whitey!" (Actually, Lois had nearly forgotten she was whitey, but thankfully, he was there to remind her.)

(Please note that at this point, the only people who have shown rampant, outrageous racism are the blacks. They ostracize her, won't speak to her, and call her racial epithets. What is this story trying to say? That all black people are bigots? Maybe Lois should turn black, so we can get down to the truth! The now! The today!)

Mr. Black Man continues saying, "She'll let us shine her shoes and sweep her floors! And let us baby-sit for her kids! But she doesn't want to let our kids into her lily-white schools! It's okay with her if we leave these rat-infested slums! If we don't move next door to her ! That's why she's our enemy !" (Is she sad because of what he said, or because she sees her Pulitzer slipping away?)

Wow! We've got some genuine urban anger going on here, right in the same comic that used to deal primarily with doing silly things to get scoops and making up plots to trap Superman into marriage! I think the silver age is over, boys and girls. Comics are suddenly as bronze as Lois with a super-tan.

A very sad Lois thinks, "He's wrong about me... but right about so many others!" Oh man, Lois is having an epiphany. She's seen the slums and the tenements; she's seen the distrust and fear; she's seen herself in a black man's mirror and she's awakened to the now, the today and all that relevant stuff.

After several more hours of this (Lois is a tad slow getting the point) she is sitting on a park bench when Superman flies down. (He was watching over her, remember?) So, has Lois changed deep inside? Has this experience truly awakened her to the problems in the slums?

Nah, she's still worried about her story. She tells Superman that there's only one way she can get her scoop. What could it possibly be? Would I really be so cruel as to end today's revisit here? Why, yes, actually, I would. Come back Friday to find out what that "one way" to change things could possibly be (Don't peak at the cover or, um, the title of the story) in I AM CURIOUS BLACK!